How do I tell my child about their diagnosis?
How do I do it? Will this help my child?
You have discovered your child's neurodivergence, now how do you tell them?
We speak to many parents who are concerned about how, when and if they would share the diagnosis with their child. We firmly believe children should learn about their discovery and connect with the strengths and abilities of neurodivergence. Research supports this as it has been found that the earlier a child is told about their diagnosis, the more positive the outcome.
Read on to find out our recommendations for sharing the news.
Why share the diagnosis with your child?
There are many benefits of sharing the diagnosis of autism with your child.
Here are some of the key reasons and benefits of telling your child that they are neurodivergent (autistic, ADHD).
When to tell your child?
There is no clear guidance on when you should tell your child about their diagnosis. In our experience, the earlier you tell your child the better! By concealing a diagnosis from a child that is later revealed, this may give the implicit message that they should be ashamed of the label and that it should be hidden from others.
As children develop, they naturally begin to notice differences and compare themselves to their peers. Your child may notice that they struggle with some things more than their peers, and begin to question why. If they do not understand the reason for this, they may develop explanations that aren’t helpful (e.g. there is something wrong with me, I’m not as good as other people). It may also be the case that your child’s school have started to put support or particular arrangements in place and they are beginning to question why this may be.
Autism is not an illness or a ‘disorder’. It is an identity and one that should be celebrated. Autistic people possess a unique set of skills and talents, and an incredible way of viewing the world. They think outside the box, problem solve in creative ways, and have a unique view on life that is fresh and dynamic.
Parents should take time to process the diagnosis. See it not as a diagnosis – this is a very medical term and sounds as if someone is ill! Instead, it is an identification of a difference and an identity.
How should you share the discovery?
We recommend that you pick a time and a place that is familiar to promote calmness with minimal distractions and competing demands for you both. Perhaps it could be when you are out walking together, or on a leisurely drive somewhere.
Be ready to answer questions from your child and correct any misconceptions or misunderstandings that they may
have. It can be helpful to use visual resources such as drawings or YouTube clips to facilitate understanding.
It is helpful to begin the conversation by talking about differences; first differences on the outside like eye colour, hair colour and height, before talking about differences on the inside such as likes, dislikes, strengths and difficulties.
You can talk about the differences between members of the family and between friends or important people in your child’s life. You may like to use drawings or photographs of people to support this discussion. If your child is younger, you may use cuddly toys or play figures to illustrate this point. This can lead to a discussion about your child’s likes, dislikes, strengths and things they find difficult. You can point out that this particular pattern of strengths and difficulties has a name: Autism.
Be mindful to limit words such as ‘disorder’ and ‘disability’ because this implies that there is something wrong with your child. In fact, the reality is quite the opposite – Autism is a brain difference and difference in how your child sees and process information in the world. This difference is definitely not wrong, bad or ‘disordered’. Brown hair is different to blonde hair, but brown hair is certainly not disordered.
Inevitably, you may talk together about the things that your child finds difficult and challenging. It can be helpful to talk together about how to use their strengths to overcome these difficulties in various settings.
| Good memory, especially for visual information and facts | You can always remember the routes we take when we are out |
| Good ability to solve non-verbal problems | You do jigsaws really quickly |
| Attention to detail | You are very thorough at checking things are done properly |
| Honesty | You always tell the truth |
Who should share the news with your child?
The team will create a comprehensive report of their findings as well as recommendations for ongoing support. We see these reports as very important for the young person who may want to read them. We have worked hard to ensure the language we use within them is neuro-affirming and strength focussed. We will write to your child as well and share the diagnosis in an age appropriate and strength focussed way.
We encourage parents to share the discovery with their child themselves rather than waiting for someone external to the family sharing this.
Who else should we share the diagnosis with?
We highly recommend that you share the discovery with those that are close to your young person, and those they will see often. The best possible outcome is that those around your child see them through a neuro-affirming lengths and help reinforce the message of neurodiversity to them.
Ideal, yes, but does this happen all the time. Honestly, not always. There is always going to be education and awareness that is needed for many. Remember, it was many of our lifetimes that difference was seen as 'wrong' and those who were different from the 'norm' were locked away, hidden from society or punished. Many still bare the lasting impact of this narrative and need some help to adjust to a new, strength-focussed empowering view of neurodivergence.
Show them the videos on our website which explain autism. Encourage them to listen and understand neurodivergence from the experts - your child!
You can use an 'All about Me' document (some schools/settings call it a Pupil Passport sometimes) which is essentially a 'quick guide' to your young person with headlines of how their brain works and what sort of support works for them. Write this with your young person so they share with you what is important to them and what they want others to know.
Amazing Things Happen
An incredible short clip to watch about the benefits of autism and neurodiversity
What is autism?
A great short clip from the National Autistic Society explaining autism
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